100 Most Amazing Things on Earth!

100
Lobster robots
The Office of Naval Research has developed an 18-inch-long robo-lobster to to roam the ocean floor in search of mines, divers in need of rescue and mermaids looking for hot crustacean love. Its oval paddles and tail allow it to maneuver in places in which human beings would get stuck and die. Such as shipwrecks and Star Jones’ belly button.

99
Las Vegas

98
Condoms

97
Donald Trump’s hair
Why does a man worth $2.5 billion settle for looking as if Paris Hilton’s merkin died on his head?

96
Velcro

95
BBQ grills

94
The Great White disaster
A simple thing like faulty pyrotechnics caused 100 Rhode Island clubgoers to die in a horrible blaze. Amazing…that 100 people paid to see a Great White show.

93
Bang caps

92
T-shirt bazookas

91
Roger Clemens
What’s more amazing than winning 310 games and six Cy Young awards? Being a dick! (PS: The bile contained herein has nothing to do with our being based in New York.)

90
Pinkie toes
Why do we have them? We don’t need them, but they are still there. We’re tired of them taking up valuable room in our socks, so let’s just chop the damn things off! Unngh! Man, that was such a bad idea.

89
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s and Maria Shriver’s faces
Either Governor Grabass and Lady Skeletor have had way too much plastic surgery or they haven’t had enough. Imagine if they were your parents, and those faces were the last thing you saw as you were being tucked in. You’d have terrible nightmares. But you’d also be really rich, so quit your bellyaching, rich boy!

88
Sharks
What up, miracles of evolution? You say that the most amazing things about you are that you can swim as fast as 60 mph (makos), live up to 100 years (whale sharks) and even survive in fresh water (bull sharks)? Fair enough. But negative points for eating that surfer girl’s arm. (And, yes—don’t look down—we’re talking to you, Mr. Tiger Shark!)

87
Yeast
We’re not sure precisely what it is, but this magical substance has the power to help make beer and bread and to induce vaginal infections. And who among us can boast a résumé like that?

86
Fireflies

85
One-eyed goats

84
OxyContin
Nicknamed hillbilly heroin, this opium-derived painkiller had the power to cripple both Jack Osbourne and Rush Limbaugh. It’s so habit-forming, in fact, that we’ve developed an addiction just by writing about it. Do you have any? We’ll suck yo’ dick for a hit!

83
Icebergs

82
Hair plugs

81
Ascots

80
David Blaine
What’s amazing about a magician who lies in a box for weeks doing absolutely nothing? That anyone gives a shit. But by mentioning it, don’t we give a shit? Damn you, Blaine, and your wizardly ways!

79
Sand

78
Lint brushes

77
The platypus
The egg-laying, web-footed, four-chamber-hearted, duck-billed platypus just doesn’t fit in. But he makes up for not having any friends by being poisonous! Go on with your venomous self, Ducky!

76
Bottle openers

75
Dippin’ Dots ice cream

74
The three-toed sloth
This lazy South American thingie is amazingly slow. In fact, it is listed as the world’s slowest mammal, clocking in at an average ground speed of six to eight feet per minute. Looks like they don’t refer to sedentary behavior as slothlike for nothing! It’d be funny if they did, though.

73
The Aquada car
Evading the police during a high-speed chase just got a whole lot more creative with this amphibious car. It can drive on land. It can float on water. The only thing this car can’t do is explain to the police why you were carrying $40 million worth of stolen diamonds. Stupid car.

72
The Electric Brae
Things that roll down this hill in Scotland appear to roll up it. Some say it’s an optical illusion due to the odd alignment of the hill and the road, but we think it’s the devil’s work.

71
The most pierced woman on earth

70
The Office
We’re pretty sure this fake documentary about office life is the funniest show on TV. However, since this is a British show, the heavy accents make us worry. What if this is, in fact, a hard-hitting drama?

69
Tropf’ Nix No-Drip Popsicle
After years of waiting, Germany has finally produced a product on par with Wiener schnitzel. Using wine gum, this Popsicle droops but never, ever drips. Like Grandpa!

68
Bodies found in glaciers
As glaciers morph, scientists keep finding cool stuff that’s frozen and perfectly preserved in the ice. Stuff like the Bronze Age Man, who got his ass frozen more than 4,000 years ago. Hear that, Bronze Age Woman? He wasn’t dodging your calls after you refused to let him touch your boob on the first date—he was dead!

67
3-D imaging
Toshiba has developed technology that will let you see 3-D images without wearing 3-D glasses. How? Science! Speaking of science, we once saw Captain Eo at Disney World and it gave us a chubby.

66
Low-rider-jeans–inflicted girl crack

65
Carbonation

64
Volcanoes
The world’s most active lava barfer is Hawaii’s Mt. Kilauea, which has been doing it nonstop since 1983. It has destroyed 189 homes but has also added 544 acres to the island. So give it a break.

63
The moon
It’s so cool that President Bush wants to send astronauts back there. Guess Cheney convinced him that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction hidden there, too. (Political humor rules!)

62
Contortionists

61
The longevity gene
Now that scientists know what makes people live longer, they’ll be able to cure such age-related snafus as strokes. Hurry, dudes, we just hoovered a bag of baking soda. Our dealer is the pits!

60
Franklin Mint plates

59
Submarines

58
The Invisibility Cloak
Using video projection, this cloak turns its wearer into a human chameleon. (Minus the forked tongue and penchant for doing whatever it is that chameleons do.)

57
Ratbear

56
Drone spy planes

55
Guns that shoot around corners
They can swivel 63 degrees left or right and kill whoever is there. Hear that? It’s the Second Amendment weeping with pride.

54
Jeremiah: The Complete First Season DVD
MGM Home Entertainment thinks someone on planet Earth is willing to pay $80 to own it. That’s amazingly wishful thinking, MGM!

53
Microwavable kettle corn

52
Hair extensions

51
The universal remote

50
Trapper Keepers

49
Gravity

48
The Fifi
The miracle of life? Big deal. A prisoner-crafted vagina made from hand towels, rubber gloves, socks and a little bit of lubrication? Huge deal! Is there anything prisoners can’t do? You know, besides vote.

47
The common cold
It’s unbeatable! It’s unshakable! Scientists can’t figure out how to kill the damn thing. Part of the problem is that it comes in all different shapes and sizes—like our nipples.

46
Photocopiers

45
Veronica Varekova

44
Snow

43
The ear pill
This experimental drug might not only preserve your hearing, but it might also repair past damage. Better update your résumé, earplugs. Holy shit! Our earplugs have a better résumé than we do!

42
The semicolon
We like semicolons; using them isn’t hard at all. And using them to separate elements in a series of related phrases is what all the cool kids do. But like smoking pot, it can lead to harder punctuation. ;-(

41
Toilet bowls

40
The Robosapien
Screw the Mars Rover! This $100 robot farts and belches. It can also dance, pick up items and rap, which makes it the greatest robot of all time. Sorry, C-3PO, you’re just too formal!

39
The Cassowary
Anyone who still thinks that birds aren’t the direct ancestors of dinosaurs has obviously never taken a gander at this power-lifting parakeet. Reaching a length of six and a half feet, this flightless fiend enjoys attacking prey with a slashing claw. It’s also, like, superendangered—which should totally increase the value of the cassowary we recently posted on eBay.

38
The Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren

37
In-flight movies on demand
Picking our own entertainment at 38,000 feet is fantastic. And don’t even get us started on how wet those FASTEN SEAT BELTS signs get us.

36
TiVo

35
Deja View Camwear
This tiny DV camera can clip onto a pair of glasses and allows you to record 30 seconds to a cell phone–size recorder. Perfect for doing things—some legal ones, even!

34
Automatic hammers

33
Ice-cream cones
They’re a precursor to taco-salad bowls in the “dinnerware you can eat” category. Imagine a world where all dishes were edible…and where our mother returned our phone calls. Sigh.

32
GPS
This navigation system made its debut during the Gulf War, when it helped guide missiles into enemies’ camps. Now it’s doing really important things, like not getting us lost on the way to Dairy Queen.

31
X-rays

30
Chainsaw juggling

29
Caffeine

28
Charlie the Parrot
This 104-year-old British macaw parrot is balding, likes to dance and says, “Fuck Hitler.” You would, too, if you were once owned by Winston Churchill. Dance, that is.

27
Carbon dating
The ability of scientists to pinpoint how many million years old a brontosaurus turd is makes us squeal with delight. (Like the time we thought we saw a flash of Uncle Jesse’s bush on Full House.)

26
Conjoined twins

25
Low-carb beer
With carbohydrates having been declared weapons of mass asses, we enjoy this new slew of brews guilt-free. So when we drink a few, we feel no remorse about cutting up a former colleague into tiny pieces and burying him in the backyard.

24
Big metal boats
Logic tells us that if you drop a 97,000-ton hunk of steel into the ocean, it will sink to the bottom. But it doesn’t. Way to lie to us, logic! About the boats and pulling out.

23
Theelectrocuting jacket
The No Contact Jacket administers an 80,000-volt shock that’ll zap a nagging bum—or Carrot Top—for aggressively asking for food.

22
Yao Ming

21
Tunnels

20
The instant-boiling mug
Jetboil has created a system that boils water in 90 seconds. A handy camping tool, it’s also a conversation piece. Talk about instant miso soup or, if you’re feeling crazy, coffee!

19
The orgasm machine
Dr. Stuart Meloy has developed a device that, after implantation, delivers the big O with a push of a button. Oprah Winfrey shows up at the push of a button? Awesome!

18
Scissors

17
Military dolphins
These aquatic mercenaries used to get all up in our fishing nets, but they’ve redeemed themselves by aiding our military in detecting mines. They also make cool squeaky noises. Especially when they’re kept in perpetual captivity!

16
The Nanoguitar
The world’s smallest guitar is about the size of a human blood cell and was built to show off the complex world of microelectromechanical devices—but what isn’t, these days?

15
Glue

14
Bunker busters
These muthas possess power equal to half that of the A-bomb, but they take out mountains instead of nations. Surgical strikes have never been more surgical-er!

13
Puppetry

12
The iTunes Music Store
You can rock out to “Footloose” on a whim without fear of the MP3 police busting down your door. And you can’t beat the 99-cents-a-song price tag. Well, unless it were 98 cents.

11
Hypnosis

10
Leather
Knowing that our jacket is somehow affiliated with hamburgers makes us happy. But if you think killing animals for clothing is wrong, then stick to wearing your nylon shirts and faux-baby-skin slacks.

9
ATMs

8
The Transrapid train
Using electromagnetic levitation, the Shanghai Transrapid train goes really, really fast, all the while floating half an inch above its track. And here we thought the only fun thing to do with magnets was erase our roommate’s collection of Yes, Dear VHS tapes.

7
Internet betting

6
Showers

5
Earthquakes

4
The Tornado in a Can
The Windhexe forces compressed air into a tall steel funnel to produce winds that pulverize anything they meet. Including our in-laws. Thanks, Tornado in a Can!

3
Amateur porn

2
Air-show crashes

1
The plastic thingies that keep pizza boxes off of pizza